Fun with Telemarketers

I observed an associate handle a telemarketer thusly,

"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?"

TM: "Uh - no ma'am I didn't call you yesterday"

"So are you calling me a liar?"

TM: Click

The associate says it works every time.

I don't get many calls anymore, but my favorite is saying 'hang on' and setting the phone down next to the tv for 10 minutes, then picking it back up and saying 'are you still there?  oh, good, hang on' and setting it back down.  They are getting less patient, but they used to be told not to hang up on a customer, and would 'hold on' for 30 minutes before disconnecting.

A dandy little computer program called the "Telecrapper 2000" is making the rounds:

http://www.pagerealm.com/tc2k/

This program is hilarious.  It causes your computer to answer the phone and carry on a virtual conversation with an unsuspecting telemarketer.

It uses the computer's sound card to engage the telemarketer in useless conversation, and it can be quite entertaining to see just how long a telemarketer will talk to your machine before they finally figure out they are getting absolutely nowhere.  

There is a list of zipped .wav files on his site.  If you just wanna hear how some of these conversations go, you can download and play a few.

They left me in stitches.

This the work of  comic Jim Florentine (of Howard Stern fame), he rolls this chick back and forth like a tape recorder. Good stuff and clean! I have used variations of this and it works so damn well it makes me want to wet my pants.

http://www.jimflorentine.com/mp3s/no-no.mp3

I just speak 3 German phrases over and over.  I have been doing this schtick for over 10 years now. Not one telemarketer has ever been able to figure out it is German.  Once I had a guy going for 30 minutes screaming into the phone"DO ... YOU.... SPEAK.... ENGLISH??"  as if louder and slower makes it easier to understand. My reply: "Nein." ----> No.  ha ha ha ha.. Then he goes: "NINE WHAT???" It is great fun if I am in the mood for it.

call them back...dial *67 and that will block your number from being viewed...then dial 1 866 456 7409.  When you call them back without blocking your number...they will answer using your full name....a*sholes.
  The same person answered and used my same first name but a different last name.  I used a foreign accent and asked him what he wanted.  They are Dish TV salespeople.  He had a middle eastern accent so I used a french accent.  He says well we are Dish TV and we want to provide free service.  I tell him well geez i have many tv's anna i need more dan won receever.  He says how many tv do you have....I say be right back I go count dem.  So I go back to the living room and watch 10 minutes of the evening news....and go back to da phone anna say...you still dere ?  He say yes how many tvs you got ?  I say four.....so he starts telling me all da features....I interupt him again an say...oh but upstairs I got more tv...dat was jus da basement...I go count dem be right back...so I lay down da phone....5 more minutes pass while bing crosby plays on I- tunes from my pc in his ear...
 I go back to phone an say you still dere ?  He say sir I have to go now you have a nic note...I say oh no don go...I want dish TV.  He say how many receivers you want....I say what come after 7 ?  he hangs up ?   ha ha ha ha h

Their canned spiel always has places where they pause for you to answer loaded questions with one logical answer, meant to draw you into the conversation.   For example "Would you like to make $50 today?"  I enjoy giving weird answers to those questions.  Such as "I just finished reading "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse, and I'm now convinced that the ascetic life is the answer to suffering. So no, $50 would take me in the oppostite direction of where I want to go."  I basically answer every question from the standpoint of an extreme philosophy.

I love these. Especially about the State Troopers.. Ha, ha, guess who has policemen in the family. I used to get the same Cruise Promotion Company calling me all the time. I got so tired of telling them no. One woman insisted I give her my credit card number right then. She got all excited and started talking real fast. She was telling me how I could sell the ticket or give it as a gift. I figured the ocean must be going dry, because I had to decide right then. I told her no, and hung up. The next time I got a call from them, I spoke very quietly, and professionally (rather, I tried to) I asked her if she heard the name of the business when I answered the phone. I told her I was sorry, but this is a Mortuary, and there isn't one soul who would get up and go on a#* cruise. However, I did promise her that "if" one of them was interested I would have them call her. No, I never received another call from them. That could be because I filed a complaint with (I think it was the FCC) whatever works.

its really funny when they are telling u things and u tell them about such schemes that u represent pple in sueing these pple because of the schemes because u are in the law field. they shut right up. u tell them to be taken off of their calling lists and any call list from any company connected to theirs or else it is a criminal offence. to hear a telemarketer go ohh uhhh ummmm ohhh is quite pricelss after how long their script is.

A good friend, now deceased, developed a series of telemarketing responses some of which I use to this day.

When a telemarketer would call, she would say (without giving them a chance to answer:
"How wonderful it is to hear your voice. I haven't spoken to anyone in six weeks. It's soooo good to talk to somebody. My children never call me anymore. Do you like bread pudding? (And on and on until THEY hung up).

When a telephone solicitor called to speak to her (deceased) husband, she asked the person why he was calling. The caller (who, by the way, wanted her husband to renew his Playboy subscription) insisted that he could only speak to her husband.

"If you can reach him, I'd like to speak to him too. He's dead."

The call was terminated.

But the best was an unsolicited call from a hearing aid company. As soon as the call connected, the saleswoman launched into her spiel. My friend let her speak and then replied: "Hello, hello!"
The woman repeated the spiel, louder this time.
My friend said "Hello, hello, I can't hear you."
Practically shouting, the frustrated sales woman spoke even louder and slower, simplifying her message: YOU...NEED...A...HEARING...AID!
To which my friend again answered "Hello, hello."
The sales solicitor hung up.

Brilliant. My favorite anti-telemarketer line is, "Oh, I'm sorry that's private information." Try it as a response to every question--

Would you like to save $100 dollars today?
Would you like to donate to save lives?
How many tvs do you have?
Can you confirm your address as....?
Are you Mrs. Andrea Smith?

Your contact info., thoughts, charities, home entertainment arrangement, and yes, even your innermost desire to win $100 is private information. No telemarketer or stranger deserves access to it. Plus, being polite but not answering directly really annoys them. Good luck!

I haven't received a call from the state troopers for a while but do get others. When I had a home phone, I knew it was a telemarketer calling since the number came up unknown, I had my son answer the phone not knowing what he would do. He answered as if hew were a radio announcer stating "thank you for calling W????, you are caller number 10, please try again. My son hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again, same unknown, my son answered"thank you for calling W?/? you are caller number 25, please try again, this went on for 3 more rings but each time after that the call was unblocked and the number showed on caller id. The TM asked what he was trying to win and my son said a trip to Hawaii. The TM then asked what number caller he needed to be, my son stated 100. The TM called again and my son said oh I am sorry, we have a winner, you could hear the TM say S--T and hang up. Never got a call for a long time lol We were hysterical. Good one to try. We got him at his own game.

I have an unlisted line. only close friends have the number. I started getting telemarketers calling all the time... Well.. Now I pick up the phone and always answer it in a deep gruff voice and say "Bob's Whore House". Most female telemarketers get flusterd and hang up. Some try to get their spiel out at which time I cut them off with the "you called for ho's or what?! I have blondes or brunettes, make up your mind!".. The amount of telemarketer calls have dropped dramatically.. ;)